leilockheart:

FOLLOW for more photos

(Source: mochacafe.net)

He more than made up for it with a perfect day!

The boy came to my home late; was alil annoyed by then. Opened the boot on his urging and saw a bouquet of pretty pink roses surrounded by coloured heart shaped balloons! Awww!

The boy was bz blowing the balloons when i called to hurry him. Anyway, we made our way to maxwell to get food for the grandmother. ;))

Managed somehow due to his lateness to get laoban dou hua! That was so awesome, cos we stood in line just for a while before the stall opened:)))

Visited the granma and it was a blast:)

And sooo the finale of a very very very awesome and expensive bbq dinner with very awesome horenzo salad and wagyu beef!

The perfect end to it with a walk down town:)), shopping!

Thank you God, so much.

All that effort for nothing. Whats new.

:)

I’m losing myself. Don’t know what I’m doing anymore. With work, with my life…

I might as well not be living, really. I know, what a thing to say when some people are fighting for their lives. I know, this wouldn’t be the kind of life i would want to be living if I didn’t have the health that I have now. I know, I ought to be more grateful and have a greater sense of urgency for my life. But, I have lost sight of God, of what it means to love God. I’m only crossing my fingers and praying everyday that He would be helping me, guiding me, but no, I’m not interested in living my life according to how the Bible says I should. I’m only interested in applying whatever’s most convenient to my life.

Is it wrong? Am I wrong? Having such thoughts is almost a horrible self fulfilling prophecy. I don’t even wish to say it because, no, I don’t want it to be real…

I want so badly for everything to be right, to be perfect, why is that so hard?

Why am I fighting so hard?! Is it supposed to be so difficult?

2011. The year where work stayed status quo. The year aunt j passed away. The year I started feeling really ambivalent about staying alone and being independent. Suddenly, it wasn’t fun anymore. 2011, the year where the Ps finally came home after 2.5 years away. Now, its no longer life alone.

2011, the year I went to cambodia, one of the best trips overseas so far. :)

Also headed to BKK and Bali; where a friendship really scared alot out of me.

2011’s also the year of UPs and DOWNs, <3 wise. Was almost ready to give it up and move on, when A told me his feelings. Which was a huge load off my heart, definitely. 09.10.11, A year after we knew each other, things finally happened:) Thereafter, its been a whirlwind, feels alot longer than the couple+ months that have passed. I still feel really uncertain and insecure about our future together really. I don’t FEEL like he loves me as much as love should be, or is it just me? But I know that I’ll really just leave it in God’s hands and continue praying for us every single day, cos I know his important to me, no matter how undeserving I think he may be of my effort. I need to stop forgetting how good he is to me, and stop focusing on what he fails to do.

My heart is so heavy presently.

I have not written in a while. For why should I? I have been taking things for granted; taking things into my own hands, playing God.

My grandiose dreams of being happy, somewhat bruised. Or is it, often bruised?

I don’t know if it is me. It must be me. It must be the way something is always wrong with me.

I love too much, too deeply, am too possessive. Or is it just my choices, always, that are a mistake?

I love you always seems to be a cause of my downfall; or is it that you always do not love me enough?

Whatever it is, there is something wrong, and I am sure, it must be me.

I take things too hard, too personally. I don’t know what is love, I don’t know how to love. My relationship is falling a part, and this is just, what, the start?

I am not happy. At all.

I have zero degrees of empathy. So help me God.

i’m searching for something, but i don’t know what it is.

a sign, a guide, telling me its okay to go this way, or that.

i’m constantly living in the expectations and ‘rules’ of others - afraid of what they may think, or if what i’m doing is wrong. i can’t be completely happy simply because i have no faith that what i’m doing is right.

if i’m not living for my own’s sake, then who am i living for? i’m in the shadows of what people ask of me and expect me to be. then, who am i? completely mutable, and molded to which ever containers placed in - what, then, makes me?

i’ve realised that ever since mummy’s insistence or incomprehensible logic that $$ is so essential that she cannot choose FAMILY over being away, i have lost my belief in important values like family, and love, and being unrebellious.

suddenly, following what is right is my 2nd option if i find that i’m coerced to be that way. unless i’m utterly convinced, i refuse to take heed, which makes it very difficult for me to be in this ministry - where listening/following what is right is what is necessary for them.

the thought of not being here anymore has crossed my mind - but what then of the friendships that i’ve had over the years? these people, are special to me in their own ways. i’m not ready to give them up. not yet. never, i hope.

the trouble is believing in God but not being fearful.

i see others treading the same path and being happy - just because they are UNAFRAID. i’m so unhappy because i am SO AFRAID. ;(

living life like a wimp - i had much rather, not be living at all, really.

(Source: myquotelibrary)

i want to always be holding your hand, under the umbrella, in the rain.