2011. The year where work stayed status quo. The year aunt j passed away. The year I started feeling really ambivalent about staying alone and being independent. Suddenly, it wasn’t fun anymore. 2011, the year where the Ps finally came home after 2.5 years away. Now, its no longer life alone.

2011, the year I went to cambodia, one of the best trips overseas so far. :)

Also headed to BKK and Bali; where a friendship really scared alot out of me.

2011’s also the year of UPs and DOWNs, <3 wise. Was almost ready to give it up and move on, when A told me his feelings. Which was a huge load off my heart, definitely. 09.10.11, A year after we knew each other, things finally happened:) Thereafter, its been a whirlwind, feels alot longer than the couple+ months that have passed. I still feel really uncertain and insecure about our future together really. I don’t FEEL like he loves me as much as love should be, or is it just me? But I know that I’ll really just leave it in God’s hands and continue praying for us every single day, cos I know his important to me, no matter how undeserving I think he may be of my effort. I need to stop forgetting how good he is to me, and stop focusing on what he fails to do.

My heart is so heavy presently.

I have not written in a while. For why should I? I have been taking things for granted; taking things into my own hands, playing God.

My grandiose dreams of being happy, somewhat bruised. Or is it, often bruised?

I don’t know if it is me. It must be me. It must be the way something is always wrong with me.

I love too much, too deeply, am too possessive. Or is it just my choices, always, that are a mistake?

I love you always seems to be a cause of my downfall; or is it that you always do not love me enough?

Whatever it is, there is something wrong, and I am sure, it must be me.

I take things too hard, too personally. I don’t know what is love, I don’t know how to love. My relationship is falling a part, and this is just, what, the start?

I am not happy. At all.

I have zero degrees of empathy. So help me God.

i’m searching for something, but i don’t know what it is.

a sign, a guide, telling me its okay to go this way, or that.

i’m constantly living in the expectations and ‘rules’ of others - afraid of what they may think, or if what i’m doing is wrong. i can’t be completely happy simply because i have no faith that what i’m doing is right.

if i’m not living for my own’s sake, then who am i living for? i’m in the shadows of what people ask of me and expect me to be. then, who am i? completely mutable, and molded to which ever containers placed in - what, then, makes me?

i’ve realised that ever since mummy’s insistence or incomprehensible logic that $$ is so essential that she cannot choose FAMILY over being away, i have lost my belief in important values like family, and love, and being unrebellious.

suddenly, following what is right is my 2nd option if i find that i’m coerced to be that way. unless i’m utterly convinced, i refuse to take heed, which makes it very difficult for me to be in this ministry - where listening/following what is right is what is necessary for them.

the thought of not being here anymore has crossed my mind - but what then of the friendships that i’ve had over the years? these people, are special to me in their own ways. i’m not ready to give them up. not yet. never, i hope.

the trouble is believing in God but not being fearful.

i see others treading the same path and being happy - just because they are UNAFRAID. i’m so unhappy because i am SO AFRAID. ;(

living life like a wimp - i had much rather, not be living at all, really.

(Source: myquotelibrary)

i want to always be holding your hand, under the umbrella, in the rain.

(Source: quote-book)

(Source: 79octobers)