i’m searching for something, but i don’t know what it is.

a sign, a guide, telling me its okay to go this way, or that.

i’m constantly living in the expectations and ‘rules’ of others - afraid of what they may think, or if what i’m doing is wrong. i can’t be completely happy simply because i have no faith that what i’m doing is right.

if i’m not living for my own’s sake, then who am i living for? i’m in the shadows of what people ask of me and expect me to be. then, who am i? completely mutable, and molded to which ever containers placed in - what, then, makes me?

i’ve realised that ever since mummy’s insistence or incomprehensible logic that $$ is so essential that she cannot choose FAMILY over being away, i have lost my belief in important values like family, and love, and being unrebellious.

suddenly, following what is right is my 2nd option if i find that i’m coerced to be that way. unless i’m utterly convinced, i refuse to take heed, which makes it very difficult for me to be in this ministry - where listening/following what is right is what is necessary for them.

the thought of not being here anymore has crossed my mind - but what then of the friendships that i’ve had over the years? these people, are special to me in their own ways. i’m not ready to give them up. not yet. never, i hope.

the trouble is believing in God but not being fearful.

i see others treading the same path and being happy - just because they are UNAFRAID. i’m so unhappy because i am SO AFRAID. ;(

living life like a wimp - i had much rather, not be living at all, really.